Sunday, November 29, 2015


wore my crystals today.  I duno , I just felt like I could really need em today and, again, I duno! Buuut... a lot of blessings happened to me today and I just felt so incredible grateful just now and I think it's a good idea to always (or often) document what you're grateful for. So why not do it here? Hopefully I can remind you to do the same or bring out everything that you are grateful for as well :) 
In short; got my car, drove for the first time since the accident, got great deals and discountson a Lot of stuff, something happened that could have escalated into something real bad but didn't, I could have been towed but was left with a curtesy note as a warning this time (thankGOD) I accidentally got THE BEST food, so many helpful people, got an invitation to something I wished for, etc

And I didn't even know it was fullmoon so my crystals was cleansed without me even knowing it. In the moonlight 


Have this happened to anyone else;
From nowhere kinda, I got the most intense unbearable pain that I've ever felt in my life (except from after the accident) 
I couldn't sit lay or do anything because it was too much! and just know that I am very tolerant to pain but this was so bad I really thought I was going to die, 
Too weak and dizzy to even think about calling 911 and at some point the pain got so bad that I dozed off for 5 seconds or 5 minutes hanging off the bed. 

Immediately the pain came back and I felt it the most inside my shoulders and arms, neck, troath and upper back and stomach with cold sweats and blurred vision. I mean it was really unbearable and nothing I could do 
It felt like someone was chocking me as well 

I googled and everything pointed at some sort of heart attack or something with the heart 
But apparently heart attacks doesn't hurt someone said and they're not more than 15 minutes

And I hate it when I called 911 they couldn't even give me one single advise on how to ease the pain or a guess on what it could be. I do not want to go to the hospital for many reasons.. That place gives me nightmares and I feel like I've done my time there. 

So anyone have a idea? It kinda felt like I had been drinking a gallon of bleach or poison too.. 


I want some good shrooms or lsd or well anything that will take me in to that world again. Im starting to miss it
nothing there is still.
cant make up my mind what I want to do for my b day which is in, 5 days oh damn!

Thursday, November 12, 2015


Ive always Loved Nasty Gal and I cant help but look at all the cute and unnecessary things I would want like the headphones but most of all the clothes. Id wear everything here if I could! I dont understand how people can walk around with no style when there's gorgeous things like this you could get. If I were you... still want that white beanie tho

Friday, November 6, 2015


You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


Have you thought about rules.. probably. Did you know that you most likely enjoy having rules?
I came to think about it and how we all actually love to limit ourselves in so many ways and then follow the rules..
something simple as emojis, we are totally bummed that there was no unicorn emoji and got super excited when apple upgraded it and we were finally able to use it. we felt restricted and like the limited ways and forgot that we got infinite choices in life with absolutely no limitations

 we consciously make rules for ourselves just to have a frame to live in, or a box. stuck in the mindset of constant need. -need to go to work even though It makes me unhappy, because I need to get money for I so desperately need to survive.
so try thinking outside your box
when you need youre lacking and you will attract lack.

I say Unlearn everything you have been thought. from the constant need to prove your worthiness in school to the image of how your life is supposed to look like when your older and reach a certain age.

always ask yourself; does this make me happy? think about WHO said what about life and how it should be looking. its all about how it should be FEELING

feeling great and not harming anyone? youre doing exactly what you "should" according to none other than Yourself and thats ALL that matters , really

heres some pics from before and after I got 1ml juvaderm in my lips:


a few weeks After

Monday, November 2, 2015


I still remember all the nights where I had to go up in the middle of the night to do push-ups, stretching, frog jumps etc just to get rid of the crawling in my legs and arms which I described as "restless feeling" 
The Drs didn't know what it was and they didn't have a name or solution for it.. 
Now they do and it's called exactly what I said; RLS Restless legs syndrome. 
I still have that shit and tonight it's been keeping me awake.. Torturing me til now 7am and as soon as I lay down its starting again  !! My left side only.. Seriously what the hell!


Found this text I wrote in my notepad 

- we were hustlers like not the ones that stay at home talking about it like its some sort of accomplishment. I wouldn't call it that but something very close, we were vagabond hustlers coming back up from rock bottom which we both now have felt like someone is dying and that someone is your soul, over and over again until we unite just in the right time , time for love and peace slowly coming back crawling to the top which from where we stand seems like in infinite time range away but is closer than our beaten down eyes with a slowly burning fire that will reach its limit of sparkling shimmer which we will be dressed in. Wash of the dirt and shine again she screamed, ofc she's frustrated with the long wait because she apart from others never lost hope of us . Yes we are living the life of lost souls in a city which ocean is as big as all the empty matter of the mind 
I say let's keep on moving to the last chapter of misery my friend. 
Streets are my morning coffee
Money gets it for me 
Money is the green green lawn next to the place we will place our tired head downs and wonder , where the hell are we now?
Avoiding questions like "do we think this is the only way for us to live so why do it because you know that's wrong, we both do 
Realizing that this is what we chose , maybe we actually are as crazy as they think... 
If they're right I am wrong 
If that make sense coming from a twisted insane mind like yours. 
It's always been you behind this madness 
                     - Chloe Cole