Today has been a really bad day... I realized "my reality" again and how much that I have to go trough still.
writing about it makes it easier to see whats wrong and how I can fix it. I can either chose to panic and see everything as impossible or to just know that it will work out somehow. It will be scary and uncomfortable but then also it can be simple and easy, everything will unfold itself.
the worst part that I cant deny is that I DO need help from other people, I am used to not having any need of someone else but myself and now I am not even able to take my own body around.
for example; I used to hate walking on the little asphalted roads around the grass cuz i felt like a sheep just following others footsteps so walked on the grass instead, taking shortcuts, making my own ways. Now im almost forced to go on the roads people have built for us and I hate it.
People are unfortunately almost always huge disappointments and they flake and flake until you are too tired to even care anymore. so who am i supposed to rely on when I cant even rely on my own body anymore.. there really is such a thing as "being too nice" I didnt know until now... people take it as a weakness or they still treat you like the devil. so please someone tell me where does the line go?
There is nothing sure about my future and of course that is scary. but I cant stay where I am, I am not happy here, no help will come from this place.
Tomorrow will be a better day and I will see things more clear, I have to go up really early because a news reporter with a film and photo team is going to interview me for their magazine and do a short video interview for their webb tv as well
YAY! I have so much to say! finally :D
|wearing cashmere hair bev hills|